Practice what you preach

For those who don't know, I have spent my career until very recently in the business of educating young children and their parents. For many of those years I was either a preschool director or teacher. The beginning of a new school year meant new students and parents who were apprehensive about the prospect of leaving or being left in a strange place with people they didn't yet know. I was the one who tried to calm their fears. I was the one who told the children that their mommy would always come back. I was the one who wondered, "Why don't these parents just LEAVE so we can get on with our day?" After all, they have to let go a little and with a little luck we will all stop crying by lunchtime.

Ahhh...be careful little mouth what you say.

Ellie is about to start preschool. We visited one school yesterday and will see another one on Friday. She went to a few weeks of Mother's Morning Out at the local Baptist church this summer and loved it. It was kind of bittersweet watching her go. On the one hand, being so proud that she is confident enough to go bravely into a new adventure, and on the other hand hating the fact that she is growing up and away so quickly. But this time I am faced with choosing a school for the whole year. I am weighing the benefits and drawbacks of full-day vs. half day, curriculum based vs. discovery learning, and location, location, location. The school we saw yesterday was really nice and the people seemed very in-tune with her. I like their discipline policy(no over-use of time out) and the fact that they are a Christian school and incorporate those values into their approach with the children. But, they are a full-day school where she will nap and eat her lunch...all away from me for two days a week. This gives me a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit. The other school we are to see is a half-day program that operates as a parent co-op (each parent goes to the school one day a month to help in the classroom). I like that too. Decisions.

How do you always make the right choice for your child? How do you just turn them over to people who have no idea how precious they are to you? How do you just walk out and go about your day while the love of your life is far across town singing and learning and possibly getting really familiar with the time-out chair? How do you just leave?

I know what I told the parents all those years. Made sense at the time. I know she will be fine. I know she will LOVE it, as she loves everything. I know how lucky I am that she is the kind of personality that she is...very interested in new things and new people and not clingy and insecure. I know all this...but my heart still aches a little. A lot.

Then again, it will be nice to have some time. It will be good for her to have some time away from me, too. So, I will pray for her as I always do, and I will pray that I make the right decision. I will pray that her teachers are patient and loving and that she is safe. And I will start to let go, just a very little bit.

I just can't promise that I won't be one of the ones hanging around in the hallway after the door is closed. And I will be watching, hoping I like what I see.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.-- Havelock Ellis